Sometimes I feel an overwhelming need to cry at work, so I close my office door and lose it. I want to be strong and professional, but I resent how hard I have to work to be taken seriously, to receive a fraction of the consideration I might otherwise receive. I am trying to become better in how I think and say and do - without abandoning what makes me human.” She concludes with a bow, to a standing ovation.I want to be independent, but I want to be taken care of and have someone to come home to. I learned to write like them, and then I learned to write like myself.” And then she realized that through her words she too could inspire others who might need it. “I read the words of women who showed me I was not nothing. And she did that by reading the words of strong women who showed her a way forward. “I wrote myself back together,” she says. How did she learn otherwise? Through writing. They treated me like nothing, and I began to believe I was nothing,” she says. “Some boys broke me when I was so young I did not know what boys could do to break a girl. “There was an incident.” It’s like the room knows what kind of incident she means the silence becomes palpable. “Once upon a time, my voice was stolen from me, and feminism helped me get my voice back,” she says, quietly. In making such small but pointed decisions, men and women can together push to make a difference. “We can commit these small acts of bravery and hope that our choices trickle up to the people in power, people who make bigger, braver choices to make lasting change.”
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Nor, she adds, should we support professional sports whose athletes treat their partners like punching bags. Nor are movies that treat women as decorative objects. Nor is television that treats violence against women as a sport. However insanely catchy the music it is, it isn’t worth it. Reality is, she acknowledges, if she continues to listen to it, artists will continue to make it. She, for instance, needs to cut out listening to women-hating rap. Let’s take a stand, says Gay, in whatever way we can.
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Instead, we must feel free to admit our imperfections.
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We do the same of anyone who dares to stand up for women’s rights, says Gay. We demand perfection we go far beyond constructive criticism to create a culture and atmosphere of fear that promptly attracts no one. Instead of taking a grown, accomplished woman at her word, Beyoncé got judged. When Beyoncé projected the word behind her at the 2014 MTV Awards, the ensuing discussion was not about how awesome the musician was, but about how good she was at being a feminist. Nods and applause from the audience, who are clearly enjoying both her confessions and her analysis.įact is, too many women are afraid to be known as feminists. So what’s the rub? “The problem is that our society is set up to make women economically vulnerable” when they make that kind of decision. If a woman chooses to stay home to watch her children, I support that too,” she continues. “If a woman wants to take her husband’s name, that is her choice and it is not my place to judge. “Women are equal to men we have the right to move through the world as we choose, to be free from harassment or violence we have the right to easy, affordable access to birth control we have the right to make choices about our bodies, free from legislative oversight we have the right to respect.” “I hold certain truths to be self-evident,” she says passionately. That feminism has become “an f word, and not a nice word.” That this is itself a problem. That, in fact, the word “feminist” has become an accusation. She likes listening to thuggish rap with vilely misogynistic lyrics - at loud volume! She considers certain domestic tasks, bug killing, vehicle maintenance to be a man’s work! She really likes the color pink! She enjoys fashion magazines! She was clearly doing feminism all wrong!īut when Gay thought about it some more, she realized that this was a deeply complex situation. After all, she thought, real feminists were “angry, hairy, man-hating, sex-hating women” - and she wasn’t one of them.
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Turns out, it was a label she gave herself, almost as a personal joke.
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She takes the TEDWomen stage to tell us how she became known as a bad feminist.
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“I have passionate opinions about gender equality,” says writer Roxane Gay. Roxane Gay brings the house down at TEDWomen with a wonderful reflection on what it means to be a feminist.